Why You Need To Stop Should-ing All Over The Place
Should can be a dangerous word.
How many times have you told yourself you shouldn’t do something because someone told you you shouldn’t? Or because society has brainwashed you to believe there are things you shouldn’t do, even if they would make you really damn happy.
Sound familiar?
Should-ing all over the place can lead us down roads that may not be right for us. It can ruin our mental health and make us feel completely unworthy.
P.S. For you Sex and the City fans out there, you may remember a certain episode in the final season where Carrie talks about this exact concept (isn’t it fun when you can find accurate mental health references in the media!)
So you’re a single, thirty-something millennial, about to turn 40 and taking a long, overdue inventory of your life:
“Who am I?”
“Where have I been?” “Where am I going?”
“I love my life and want to take the next step forward but I know that step doesn’t include marriage or kids.”
Congratulations, you now find yourself in the exact place society has been scaring us, for generations mind you, into believing will actually be the end of us.
“You have to get married (to a cisgender man) and have at least 2 children by the time you’re 30. If you don’t, everyone will think there’s something wrong with you and you’ll live alone as ‘the crazy spinster’ who casts spells and only leaves her home to scare kids on Halloween.”
This may seem like an exaggeration in 2023 but sadly, it’s not.
Women routinely tell me they “should” get married and have kids, even if they don’t want to.
Why would you force yourself into something that will more than likely you feel miserable?
Well, because of the shoulds: you’ve been bombarded with all kinds of messages your entire life that tell you how you should live and now all those shoulds are catching up with you.
The pressure keeps building.
You’re telling yourself what you should do because of fear; fear from other people’s opinions. If you don’t do what you feel you should, what will happen?
Should-ing ourselves into anything can potentially be harmful.
If you’re noticing you frequently tell yourself you “should” do this or that, take note: this may be a great opportunity to look inward and consider where those shoulds are coming from.
Frequently telling yourself you shouldn’t eat the cookies sitting on the counter or you should be more productive (even though you work 40+ hours a week, do all of the household chores, chauffeur kids around, give your husband too many blowjobs…sorry, got distracted) means you’re living under constant pressure and don’t have agency.
You’re at the mercy of someone else’s expectations.
Cognitive distortions like “if I don’t do what’s expected of me, I won’t be loved” are the exact effect of shoulds. When we make decisions based on what others want for us or what has been told to us by familial or societal standards, we begin to lose our authenticity: it becomes more difficult to know who we are, what we’re about and what’s truly right for us.
Just because someone tells you you should do something, doesn't mean you should.
It’s time to ditch the shame and cultivate the confidence needed to buck expectation and challenge what you should do.
Have the courage to take your life into your own hands so you can prioritize your own needs and wants. Put YOU first!